Friday, December 15, 2006

Living Dying

Sudden realization of the inevitable.

A nightmare. You wake up and it’s over.
Living a nightmare. It just keeps happening. Over and over and over.

A specific, situational, real-life nightmare just might be about to happen again. Already...again. Anticipation of the horror. I know the day, the time, the place, the pain. It's just around the corner. I can’t avoid it. I must live through it again. I can’t get out of it.

The only human who can stop it is the same one who will hand the torture to me on a silver platter with a big shiny bow. I can refuse it, but it won’t matter. The nightmare will have begun regardless. It will be just for me, especially for me. I will be forced to endure it. I will, unfortunately, live through it. Again. And how many more times before I’ve been given a chance to recover? It’s just not necessary, there is no good reason. Not right now.

I’m a fish in a waterless fishbowl. I can’t breathe, I can’t get out. Everyone is watching. How can I fake living while I’m dying before their eyes? Living dying. Neither process overcomes the other or comes to fruition. It’s an excruciating torment of living dying.

Oh, dear God, please.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there!

Thursday, December 21, 2006 11:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being a fish in a waterless fishbowl is such a good description of the what you have been going through.
You are right, the one who could have stopped it didn't and now you have the nighmare to contend with.
But trust me, the grip the nightmare has on you and that you have on it will lessen and loosen. You have the God-given gift of self-love that will help you (thought not seemingly fast enough!)
I once read that the difference between "bitter" and "better" is "I"---I make the difference between being bitter and getting better.
You are already in that process of going from bitter to better. Congratulations! It is a tough job and one you didn't ask for, but go it anywhay. Therefore, do all that you can to help yourself without asking for helo from the one who handed you this torture. He is unable to help you. Even though he gave it to you, that bell cannot be unrung, and now you get to go through the process of getting back from bitter to being even better.
You can do it. Yes, you can! You have come a long way already!
I am proud of you!

Saturday, December 23, 2006 7:40:00 PM  

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